Alan is destitute as usual, and cannot afford to get Lyndsey a nice birthday gift. He tries raising money by offering massages at the mall, but blows the small amount he earned by buying a "pearl necklace" made out of mints. He considers dipping into Jake's college fund, thinking Jake has no interest in college anyway, but then Jake says he does want to go to college after seeing a porn movie featuring topless co-eds. Refusing to take the money Charlie offers him, Alan resorts to stealing a pair of earrings from Judith, and has to think quickly to hide Lyndsey's "new earrings" when the two couples show up at the same restaurant. Meanwhile, Courtney takes Jake clothes shopping with Charlie's credit card against Charlie's will. Title quotation from: Alan, thinking Lyndsey wants to have sex with him, after his money-earning efforts have left him exhausted.